There is nothing worse than coming home to a mess. I mean, you've had all damn day! If you're not going to get a job why not do a load of laundry? Clean off the kitchen counter you obviously used or maybe pick up the chair you knocked over. Are you seriously yelling at ME right now? Who wants a free cat?

I want to ban White Castle and turtlenecks and running out of hot water when you're taking a shower and cats that pee in the house and people who point to their head when they are singing any variation of the words knew, feel, think, or dream- but that would be just as silly as telling people who they can and can’t marry.

There is an unrelentless, untrappable, rock throwing, tunnel digging, and completely heartless raccoon living in my ceiling. Every night he waits for Jess to go to bed and then begins his cruel game of fear induced torture. He runs laps above my head, scratches and digs, and even drops tiny pebbles through the flood lights in the dining room until I’m paralyzed with terror. Then he stops. I dial the phone and feel the calm of Boater’s voice. “Oh yes, I’m fine now…I just freaked out for a minute. I’m sure you and Jess are right- there is no way he can get in the house. Ok, then, love you, goodnight.” Click. Suddenly, he’s back: scratching, digging, biting…creating his own jacked-up version of the Shawshank Redemption. I’m barely 34 and a half and I don’t understand the wilderness and I simply can’t handle this type of psychological warfare. Please comment below to offer your love and support or simply become a follower if you’re an excessively lazy person - I will know you’re thinking of me in my time of need.

Aww...look at the pretty J. Crew meets John Deere familly my sissy made....fantastic.

My favorite memory of you will always be your persistent search of Lime Lake for my lost Adidas sandal and your genuine concern and worry as you cried out for the entire world to hear, “We have to find Amy’s shoe because she doesn’t have a job! She has no money for shoes! Please help me find it!” Happy 6th birthday sweet boy! Thanks for always having my back. I've got yours. I love you, Grant. Everyone loves you. ♥

One time this big jerk ass emperor said everyone had to eat pigs and pray to Zeus or die a bloody death. A bunch of renegades said, "no way you big bully!" They wanted to purify their reclaimed temple by burning ritual oil for eight days but they only had a teensy tiny amount. Somehow that little bit of oil lasted for eight days and boy were they surprised! This is the miracle of Hanukkah and why it's only celebrated by Jews I'll never know.

I encourage the practice of saying "brilliant" instead of "great" or "thank you." I would totally vote for that. And for gay marriage. Oh, and to bring the Smurfs back to Saturday mornings...who thought it would be a good idea to cancel that show? I don't get it.